Onward and Upward: The Art of Letting Go
“You wanna fly, you got to give up the sh*t that weighs you down.”
- Toni Morrison
How many of us say we’re ready to make some big changes in our lives, yet they just don’t seem to come to fruition?
We say we’re finally going to hit the gym, start that business, or choose a healthier relationship, and somehow our plans get thwarted or we can’t seem to rev up the motivation to actually do the thing. Welcome to the club. The truth is, change is hard. Patterns and habits have often been years in the making. Sometimes those patterns are protecting us in some way, despite our lack of awareness around their purpose or our eagerness to change them. Other times, we simply aren’t ready to change, but we feel like we “should.”
If you’re trying to shift a “bad” habit or do something different with your life but you’re finding yourself stuck, there may be an underlying reason why. Often, we try to make changes without first examining what got us where we are. We try to create new patterns without letting go of the old habits, environments, and people who may be contributing to our stuck-ness.
If you’re trying to move forward, consider these steps:
Be honest with yourself. Are you really ready to change? Why do you want to change? Are you distracting yourself from an old wound or a difficult emotion by coming up with something new and energizing in hopes that it will make you happy? A common example of this comes up when a romantic relationship ends. Sometimes people will find themselves jumping into a new relationship before they have fully processed or healed from the old one. Of course, the same problems will likely rear their ugly heads in the new “replacement” relationship, or it will quickly become unhealthy, as the person’s intentions are to use a shiny new relationship to distract from their emotional pain. If your reasons for changing aren’t truly just for you to live a healthier life, to fulfill a purpose, etc., you’ll probably find yourself back at square one before too long.
Ask yourself why this pattern developed and/or what need it is meeting for you. What fear is beneath this pattern? Often there is a protective mechanism at play in the habits that we develop. Perhaps you’re afraid of being alone so you’ve become a people-pleaser in order to keep people around you happy, but now you’re feeling drained and resentful. Are you afraid of holding boundaries that might create discomfort in others and cause them to abandon you? Are you drinking too much to numb out pain from a divorce or a perceived failure? Do you only feel secure if you are constantly achieving, and as a result you’re running yourself ragged? We are ultimately wired to seek safety and connection—so if our nervous system perceives a threat to these basic needs, we can develop “compensatory strategies” that may have made sense at some point in time but are no longer serving us. Sometimes we are unconsciously attached to a pattern because it is somehow meeting a need that we fear we cannot meet in another way.
Grieve and let go. When you identify the fear that is keeping you stuck in a pattern, treat it with the most compassion you can possibly muster. When a child is afraid of something, we intuitively know to be present and soothe the child, yet we tend to judge our own fear or turn a blind eye to it. We all still have an inner child who is longing for safety and reassurance. So be that person for yourself. Identifying and accepting a deep-rooted fear allows us to begin the mourning process. What are we mourning? Maybe it’s a dream or an expectation that didn’t quite go as planned (resulting in a downward spiral that you’ve been fighting with all sorts of compensatory strategies and judgments and shame). Maybe it’s the pattern itself. Maybe you hoped that obsessively making strawberry jam after a break-up would make you feel better and it isn’t working (yes, I’m referencing the Friends episode where Monica makes gallons of jam to get over her ex, Richard). Mourn it all. Lean in to the fear. Feel the pain. Accept it, and let it go.
Helpful Tips
There are many ways to let go of what’s not working. It’s important not to skip the grieving process and to be open to new perspectives. You can get creative with this by learning to externalize some of the thoughts that weigh you down. Studies show that writing out negative thoughts on a piece of paper and throwing the paper away in the trash can lessen their grip on us. Our brains don’t always make a distinction between the mental and the physical, so physically discarding the critical thoughts, the worries, and any fears you may be harboring can actually reduce mental distress.
In a similar vein, de-cluttering your physical environment can have a positive impact on your emotional and mental state. Cleaning your home, office, and any other physical space you frequently occupy, is an effective way to curtail chaos and create space for new energy.
One of the most important tools for growth is creating and maintaining strong boundaries. These can be boundaries with people, places, and/or things that no longer serve you. I like to think of it as a “culling.” Take an inventory of how you spend your time, where you spend it, and with whom. Are these habits pushing you forward or holding you back? It may not be as extreme as cutting out everyone in your life who does not support your vision, but you may need to put time limits on how often you see certain people. You may realize that certain topics of discussion are just off-limits with others. You may need to take a break from social settings that reinforce the pattern you’re trying to change (i.e. staying out of bars if you’re trying to cut down on drinking). Holding a healthy boundary might require you to speak up to someone who is a stressor in your life, or it might force you to end a toxic relationship. Boundaries are hard! You will probably experience some discomfort. However, you can’t expect to keep doing the same old thing you’ve been doing and get a different result.
A Take Home Message
Pain is a part of life. It helps us learn what does not work for us. Thank your pain for showing you what still needs healing. As singer Ingrid Michaelson says, “Happy is the heart that still feels pain.” We experience pain so that we can know when we are hurting ourselves and others. The good news is, the discomfort you may feel from upholding a boundary typically results in less pain long term. Trust this process and notice that you can survive the discomfort.
Part of letting go also means giving yourself permission to feel good again. When you know what you’re afraid of, you can start to find healthier ways to cope. If it’s a fear of being alone, immerse yourself in healthy relationships and activities that feed your soul. Or simply text a friend and/or think back to a time when you felt loved and connected to others.
Once you begin to let go, you give yourself the space to find creative solutions to problems and you develop healthier coping skills and boundaries. Most importantly, when you give up all the things that weigh you down, you give yourself permission to fly.
Crystle Lampitt,
Counseling Intern
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