Helping Your Child Overcome Negative Self-Talk
When things go wrong, kids can easily fall into negative self-talk.
We all have the tendency to overreact and feel overwhelmed when things don’t go our way.
Kids are resilient and can overcome a bad day, however, over time, negative self-talk can become an unhealthy pattern.
How can you respond to your kids when they say:
I can’t.
I’m stupid.
I’m the worst ever.
I hate this.
I’m terrible at ________.
This is the worst day ever!
How can you help your kids learn to overcome negative self-talk?
1. Empathize and Normalize:
We all have bad days, whether kids realize it or not, it’s normal for them to feel this way. So, acknowledge their pain, their hurt, their stress, their struggle.
“Yes, that’s hard.”
“Yeah, it does hurt when you stub your toe doesn’t it.”
“Trying to learn spelling words when you’re tired is hard.”
Then follow up with something to normalize the situation.
“I had a hard time with math too.”
“I’ve stubbed my toe many times and it hurts so much.”
“Most of your friends have a hard time learning spelling words when they are tired too.”
When you normalize you may hear your child say “really?” It may not have occurred to him/her that other people can feel exactly like they do.
To take another person’s perspective and experience empathy is still developing in children.
By normalizing how they feel you are saying: you’re not alone and your feelings are valid.
Simply normalizing how they feel can sometimes stop the snowball effect of negative thinking.
2. Model Growth Mindset:
People with an optimistic (growth mindset) are more resilient and believe they can learn, grow, and change. So, when your child is struggling with something, explain that struggle in an optimistic/growth mindset way.
3. Goodness and Kindness:
Telling your child, they are kind, good, true, brave, strong, etc. will enhance those qualities in them and help them to internalize those qualities.
Research shows that praising children on prosocial behaviors, for example, “You are a good friend”“ “You are kind,” and “You are a good helper” helps to strengthen those prosocial behaviors.
When we tell our children that they are GOOD and at the same time teach them how to change their behavior, the positive self-talk will influence growth mindset and overpower the negative self-talk.
A couple of ways to reinforce, teach and notice goodness and kindness can be starting:
A Kindness Jar: When you catch your child being kind. Place a marble in a jar each time you notice their kindness. They will have fun counting their marbles at the end of the week.
A Daily Gratefulness Activity: Daily or weekly write or share good things in their life. This is a great activity to do nightly at the dinner table.
By using positive parenting techniques to respond instead of reacting to your kids will help them develop and grow mentally.
Lori Cull-Deshmukh,
LMSW, CPT
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