What Type of Parent Are You to A Child with Anxiety?
Do you have a child with anxiety? Has your child not wanted to get out of the car for an activity, such as a sport or birthday party? Has your child ever shared he/she is scared to sleep alone?
If so, what was your response? Did you say, “let’s stay in
the car” or “come sleep in my bed?” This is what your child wanted right? As parents, we want to comfort our children. By protecting and comforting our children, we think we are doing the right thing for them. However, comforting children with anxiety disorders can do the opposite. Comforting is actually accommodating the child and “accommodating leads to worse anxiety, rather than less anxiety, because the child is always relying on the parents. When you provide a lot of accommodation, the message you are sending your child is, “you can’t do this, so I’m going to help you,” according to Eli Lebowitz, a psychologist at Yale School of Medicine.
As parents, we need to show the child that we understand how terrible it is to feel anxious and praise them for doing what was difficult. Parents can do this by providing supportive statements building the child’s confidence. For example, “I know you’re scared to get out of the car to play soccer. But I know you can do it, you have fun when you play, remember the last game when you left the field excited with your team?” The supportive statement is really a motivator. The parent identifies the feeling of anxiety and then praises the child reinforcing they can do what was difficult for them.
The next step is to communicate to children that they can tolerate that anxiety and they don’t need to be rescued from it. This helps give them the strength to face their fears. Sleeping alone for example, encourage the child to start in his/her own bed. Say to the child, “I will come check on you in 5 minutes.” If the child asks you to stand outside the door (or something similar), identify their feeling and provide them a positive praise and reinforce they can do it. “I know it's scary for you, but you can do it. You're going to do great!”
By staying consistent with communication statements and being patient with the child, you and you’re your child will see success. As the child continues to make progress, make sure you are providing positive praise on what they have achieved. Such as, “wow, you're a Rockstar! You were nervous and scared, but you went 5 minutes longer than last night! You got this! you can do it!”
Remember, this process may seem to go slowly, but every minute longer they stay in their bed, is success, eventually they will be sleeping on their own at night.
It’s important to validate your child’s feelings and show them you care (not just the child with anxiety). This teaches communication and makes you a better parent.
Lori Cull-Deshmukh,
LMSW, CPT
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