Talking Relationships and Sex with Children and Teens
Have you talked with your child or teen in an age-appropriate way about sex and relationships? If so, have you done it more than once?
If the answer is “no”, you’re in good company - less than half of parents report talking to their children “many times” about these topics. Today, I read an article published on USA Today’s website that says that teens report talking to their parents about various sexual topics about half as often as parents report doing so. Are parents speaking clearly and children not hearing? Perhaps parents aren’t speaking as clearly as they think? Either way, there is a clear disconnect.
Whether or not you’re talking with your child or teen about sex and relationships, they’re drawing conclusions based on the media you watch together, the comments you make about acquaintances, and the rules you create around relationships for your teen. There is a vast internet world available at our children’s fingertips. Even if we strictly monitor what they can access on the internet, we can’t monitor our children’s eyes and ears in the hallways and lunchrooms. If they’re not learning about sex through us, they’re learning it elsewhere.
Surprisingly, teens care more about what their parents think about this topic than we might expect (read more here). So how do you go about talking to your kids about sex?
1. Early and often. Having age appropriate conversations when your child is seven and eleven will be more effective than when your teen is sixteen and cuddling with his girlfriend on the basement couch. Aim for several conversations that cover a variety of topics: sexual orientation, anatomy & puberty, dating, contraceptives, pregnancy and parenting, consent, religious or familial expectations.
2. Make it natural. Having a scheduled sit-down conversation specifically to have “the talk” isn’t bad, but using natural opportunities to discuss topics like consent, partner violence, and birth control are better. News segments, TV ads, and even town gossip are great gateways to interface with your teen in a non-threatening manner about the topic and are available every day.
3. Know what you believe & know the facts. Depending on your child and how open you both feel about the topic, your child may feel comfortable asking you questions on their own. Be informed about contraceptives and sexually transmitted diseases. Share your personal or familial values regarding the topic, and experiences if requested. Just keep in mind that no one really wants to hear intimate details about their parents’ sex lives.
4. Minimize judgment. Directly asking or accusing your teen about their relationships and experiences can shut your child down. Communicate your desire to keep communication open and keep them safe and happy.
Samantha Stites,
Counseling Intern
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