Calling All People-Pleasers: This One’s for You
“No might make them angry, but it will make you free. If no one has ever told you, your freedom is more important than their anger.” —Nayyirah Waheed
Telltale signs you might be a people-pleaser:
You tell others you agree, even when you don’t.
You’re wishy-washy, indecisive or avoid sharing your opinions altogether.
You feel responsible for and take on other people’s feelings and moods.
You caretake others at the expense of yourself.
You apologize, even when you have nothing to be sorry for.
You always wonder if you’re bothering or inconveniencing people.
You struggle saying no or setting personal boundaries.
You avoid conflict at all costs.
You worry about hurting other people’s feelings or letting them down.
You don’t speak up when your own feelings are hurt.
You feel uncomfortable and like it’s probably your fault if someone is angry or doesn’t
like you.You act like the people around you and change your colors like a chameleon to fit in.
You rely on other-validation in order to feel good about you.
You often feel like a doormat.
You avoid taking compliments or giving yourself credit.
You rarely ask for or accept help.
You give more than you receive.
You always wear a smile, regardless of congruency.
Why it's so common; the likely culprits:
Our most basic human need for attachment and acceptance (taken to the extreme)
Fear of loneliness, rejection, failure or disconnection
Avoidance of uncomfortable feelings
Low self-worth
Why it's a problem; the costs:
Leads to resentment of self and others, burnout, stress, anxiety, depression, missed opportunities for growth, loss of authentic self, death of deeper connections, toxic relationship patterns, etc.
Strategies to stop; the cures:
Understand your own unique why/where it stems from for you specifically, and work to heal those pieces of your past self.
Name your underlying fear, and challenge deep-seated, distorted thoughts and beliefs.
Strengthen your solid sense of self with internal validation and self-compassion.
Start saying no, setting healthy boundaries and being kind not just to others but to
you.Own your feelings- the whole, wide range of beautiful and (at times) painful emotions.
Practice assertive communication, and speak up when something bumps with you.
Role-play and/or script the hard conversations you need to have in the future.
Stop apologizing unless it’s absolutely warranted.
Ask for help. Allow others to return your generosity.
Self-care. Consistently. Carve out time for filling your own cup.
Get in touch with and live by your own values.
Become more aware and mindful of the roles you play in social interactions.
Empower others to help and heal themselves.
Be YOU. The whole kit and kaboodle. Because your life is too precious to spend it
people-pleasing.
