Coming Out: Not a Crisis but a Chance for Connection
“We all have our own closets to come out of.”
– Judith Light
Coming Out: A metaphor used to describe the oftentimes complicated, multilayered and lifelong process of acknowledging, accepting and/or sharing one’s LGBTQ+ identity with friends, family and others.
Dos and Don’ts: (For Self)
Practice patience for the journey. There is no right or wrong timeline. You don’t owe anyone your story. Coming out should be on your terms. Whether you tell your people in small doses or lay it out on the table all at once, do what feels good to you.
Find your Family of Choice. Locate the people in your life that are supportive and affirming, those gems who accept you for exactly who you are. Connect to your local LGBTQ+ community to hear coming-out stories of all shapes and sizes.
Prepare yourself for reactions of all kinds. It’s an unfortunate but undeniable truth: It’s possible that not everyone in your world will react in the way you want and/or expect. Their reaction is on them, not you.
Dos and Don’ts: (For Others)
It is never okay to out someone. It is not your story to share and not your choice to make.
Ask appropriate and respectful questions. Don’t be insensitive or invasive. One idea is to simply ask how to best support your loved one in their coming-out process.
Remember that people may be “out” in some settings and “in” when it comes to other contexts. Just because someone came out to you, does not give you the green light to share with others unless this person explicitly expresses they are comfortable with you doing so. Respect their privacy, confidentiality and safety.
Do not tell them you “always knew” or minimize the significance of their sharing with you. Coming out takes courage and trust. Don’t make their moment about you.
Remember that your friend and/or family member has not changed. Their sexual orientation and/or gender identity is just one piece of the identity puzzle. They are still the person you know and love; now they just get to be more fully themselves than ever before.
Take the time to educate yourself and fill in the knowledge gaps. Don’t assume. Be honest when you don’t understand. Familiarize yourself with the unique challenges faced by this community. Use this experience as an opportunity for growth and understanding.
Seeing someone own who they authentically are can be one of the most beautiful and inspiring experiences, but you have to open your heart.
Why it Matters: Family acceptance predicts positive mental-health outcomes for LGBTQ+ persons (especially youth), protecting against depression, substance abuse, suicidal ideation, etc.
How Therapy Can Help: Counseling through the coming-out process can help on an individual and/or systemic (couples, families) level. Therapists can provide education and resources, as well as insight and guidance, all the while meeting each person where they are and honoring the needs of each subsystem, so that all voices can be heard and empowered.
To Learn More: Check out the Human Rights Campaign, The Trevor Project or GLSEN for resource guides to Coming Out.
Closing Thoughts: Please remember that it’s not a choice for your loved one to identify as LGBTQ+. However, it is your choice whether or not to respond to them in a way that promotes love and light.
Caitlyn Crawford,
LMFT
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