Take 20: A Pause Button for Checking Yourself in Couples’ Conflict
“Words are powerful; they have the ability to create a moment and the strength to destroy it.”
—Anonymous
We’ve all been there. The heat of the moment. The push-all-the-buttons confrontation that makes you want to yell, cry, run and hide (or maybe all the above). The cheap shots that feel deceptively good in the moment but leave us feeling more distant and powerless and wounded than before.
Are you picturing it yet? That haunting moment you totally missed the mark on stepping up as your best self?
Let’s face it: You are human. I am human. We all get flooded in our emotional tsunamis of anger, hurt, shame, insecurity, fear and helplessness from time to time. We all say things we don’t mean. We all need a little self-soothing when blame-mode has been activated, and we are no longer able to hear our partner or see the reality of their shared suffering.
Introducing...The Tried & True...Time-Out Technique:
As a couples’ therapist, I can’t tell you how many times I have counted on this gem of an intervention to slow the escalation process down a bit. I wish I could take credit, but if you’re wanting to learn more after reading my summary, Julie and John Gottman are your go-to gurus for additional resources on the subject.
Step 1. Flash-flood warnings? How do you know when you’re becoming emotionally overwhelmed? What alerts you to danger? Does your temperature and/or volume go up a notch past comfy? Is it your heart rate that starts to quicken? Your stomach that starts to ache? This mindful awareness of your own signs and signals is your first step toward finding your calm and your cool again.
Step 2: Negotiating the time-out: As a team, come up with a code word or signal (can be verbal or nonverbal) to call a break in a non-reactive, intentional, respectful way. Some of my couples like to use an inside joke that makes them question why they were fighting in the first place. Other couples I work with keep it simple and raise their hand to indicate when a time-out is needed. Step 3: Each person relocates to a relaxing spot where they feel safe and relaxed for (about) 20 minutes.
Step 3: Each person relocates to a relaxing spot where they feel safe and relaxed for (about) 20 minutes.
Step 4: During the 20-minute intermission, it’s important to push past dwelling or stewing or ruminating. Stop trying to think of your next best zinger. That won’t get you anywhere. Try some of these ideas instead:
—Mentally store a “best of” picture of your partner and/or the relationship.
—Think about what fuel you are throwing on the fire. Self-reflect on your piece of the puzzle, and think about ways to play a different role next time around.
—Distract yourself with something that brings you peace or helps you personally unwind. Music, breathing exercises, something active and hands-on? Whatever works for you.
Step 5: Try the conversation again, once you have simmered down and softened up a bit. Focus on meeting your partner halfway, listening with the intent of truly understanding and reminding yourself that you two are better when you work together.
Not ready to have a constructive conversation after only 20 minutes? That’s understandable. Sometimes it can take a little longer to re-engage.
Let your partner know where you’re at, and collaborate on a time to come back to it without sweeping it under the rug. Remember: Confrontation is an indispensable part of relationships. It can grow you individually and relationally...but only if you allow it.
Caitlyn Crawford,
LMFT
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