The Importance of Vulnerability
Without intense vulnerability, we cannot experience intense joy.
For most of our lives, many of us have been experiencing vulnerability but never had the permission to feel it, name it, or know how to sit in it. We avoid it, dismiss it, or ignore it. No one tells us as children that it is necessary and a fantastic part of growth in relationships, in work, in self-development. If we never felt vulnerable, we wouldn’t be putting ourselves out there. We wouldn’t be taking risks. We wouldn’t be doing things that are necessary for our growth. You may be thinking, “Alright, Robin, so if it’s so good, then why is it so uncomfortable?”
It’s important to note that even when we know that vulnerability is necessary and needed and a good thing, there is nothing comfortable about it. Because our brains are wired for protection, it may see vulnerability as a threat to our safety. Being vulnerable requires you to leave comfortability at the door, strip down to complete nakedness, walk in through the door and greet everyone as if you were saying, "Here I am!" It requires you to be seen, to be known and to be authentic. If you’ve had previous experiences where being vulnerable has led to being physically or emotionally hurt, then experiencing vulnerability can be even more intense, especially if you have the belief that vulnerability is not safe.
Vulnerability feels like your insides are exposed, like someone could take peroxide and pour it on your wounds at any moment. Trusting someone in vulnerability allows you to share with them what is going on while they help you get a bandaid or help you tend to your wound instead of ridiculing you for having it. It takes experiences like this over and over to prove that you can show the not-so-pretty parts and be okay.
To be vulnerable is to be seen.
We cannot experience the beauty
of true acceptance or joy without intense vulnerability. If we aren’t being authentic, we are not giving ourselves the opportunity to be accepted for who we really are. If we are being fake to someone else or concealing parts of us, and they like us, it does nothing for us. It gives us no confidence or joy, and if it does, it is completely superficial.
It is true that not everyone will accept your vulnerability. You get to decide who you trust enough to show that to. You get to decide who has shown you that you can trust them with pieces of you that are hard to share or when you express your feelings.
What may be unhelpful..
Share on social media.
Social media is not a way to be vulnerable. The internet is filled with people who will bring you down or people you don’t know. While you may have friends there, it would be more beneficial to share, connect, and talk in person instead of online. When online, you can’t read body language, get a touch on your shoulder, or a gentle smile. You can’t have someone sit with you when you’re hurting or share their feelings with you. Likes or comments do not take the place of real connection, nor does it feel like real connection either.
There is a time and situation to where sharing on social media is fine and is done frequently by others at times. You get to decide when those are, but if you are doing it because you want to feel connected, want validation, or it feels more safe, I encourage you to have a conversation with someone in person instead.
Share via text.
Like social media, you can’t read tone, body language, or sit with someone face to face over a text. A quick and easy boundary to have is to have no serious conversation with anyone over text. Wait or schedule time in-person. In fact, I believe you will do yourself a huge favor and eliminate conflicts that wouldn’t have happened over the tone. Additionally, you are then forced to use your own coping skills through taking a few deep breaths, de-escalating or grounding techniques, instead of an immediate reply to a text. Let’s be honest, how many times do you backspace those anyway? Instead, have boundaries with yourself on what you post, text, or share without being face-to-face. If you’re avoiding someone or something due to potential conflict, explore where that fear is coming from and challenge to see if there is any truth in it.
Share everything you feel vulnerable about to someone you don’t know well or trust.
I used to be the one who overshared on both of the platforms I told you not to share on. Evenmore, I overshared in person to people who did not earn the right to hear my story. Sometimes, it was a form of self-sabotage. Other times, I was trying to build connection. In all times, it didn’t end well. No relationship was formed or strengthened, nor did I feel connected. Instead, share with those who have earned your trust. Those who maybe you have shared a little bit with before, who have continued to show up, who responded with empathy, and who did so non-judgmentally. These are the people you can share with. You give them a little bit of vulnerability and they respond helpful and healthily, that builds trust.
To learn more about vulnerability, watch Brene Brown’s famous TED Talk The Power of Vulnerability and remember, you don’t have to do this alone! Sometimes, allowing ourselves the opportunities to feel tremendous joy--to stop protecting ourselves from feeling it--is the most vulnerable thing we can do. It’s when we have the most to lose and the most important time to show up.
Robin Helget,
LSCSW and Millennial Therapist
MORE BY ROBIN
