Why I Say “Boundaries” More Than 20 Times Per Day
As I was sitting with my last therapy client on a long Monday, we discussed the benefit of setting boundaries within her relationships. It was during this conversation I realized that I have this conversation with almost every single client at some point in their treatment and often find myself saying the word “boundaries” around 20 times per day. It’s because of this fact: people are not going to treat you any differently until you decide to do something different.
Like many of my clients, I have recently found myself being fueled with anger when someone else’s behavior seems disrespectful or dysfunctional. I noticed old patterns of behaviors that this person had been doing simply because no one said anything or did anything differently to cause a behavior change. Without boundaries, we are enabling the other person’s behavior.
Boundaries look and sound very different depending on the person and the situation. They take many forms. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend described the impact of setting boundaries in their book Boundaries as, “They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss.”
Truth Boundary Bombs:
Most people don’t find boundaries you implement as enjoyable.
By not setting boundaries, you are continuing to allow someone’s behavior.
Even if the behavior is something you can put up with, it is something that allows other behavior and creates or maintains dysfunction.
You can only control what YOU do. Change happens when you decide what you will or will not tolerate.
You may be fearful you will “make them mad”. The other person’s emotions are not a reflection of you. It’s a reflection of their own stuff. They are entitled to their emotions, but they are not a causation of the boundary you set. Remember, they are now going to have to change something, and that’s what they may find difficult.
You can set implicit or explicit boundaries. Implicit boundaries means deciding what you are or are not going to engage in. For example, if someone continues to ask you something that they have access to, and you reply with the information they are seeking, you are continuing their dysfunctional behavior by not letting them find it themselves. If you don’t give them the answer, they will stop coming to you for the answer. Please note: this may take multiple times of boundary setting to fully see the fruits of this.
Benefits of setting boundaries:
You protect the relationships that are most important to you. Sometimes setting boundaries with others means doing so to keep the relationship with your spouse or kids healthy.
You allow people to take control of their own lives or behaviors.
By saying “No” to roles, activities, or tasks, you are allowing someone else to say “Yes”.
There’s no glory in being a martyr -- in saving someone from having to take ownership or do the work. I fell into this trap and sometimes still do in relationships where I’m afraid of making the other person angry. But again, your relationship may improve when you set boundaries simply because your resentment will decrease.
Boundary examples:
Your parent calls you multiple times a day, multiple days per week while you’re at work.
No boundary: You get mad and don’t answer, while they keep calling you multiple times a day. Your interactions are poor or you spend hours on the phone with them.
Boundary: (Parent), it’s important to me that we talk, but I have to work during the day and can’t talk when you call me every few hours. I will call you Tuesday and Friday evenings because I know I can talk then. However, if you call me outside those times, I can’t guarantee I will answer.
Kids socks being left out in the living room:
No boundary: you clean it up and they keep doing it.
Boundary: leave it (implicit) and the socks pile up or say they cannot get on iPad until rooms are clean or things are picked up (explicit).
Your friend texts you to ask you what assignments are due for class in two days. The professor sent the calendar out already, and your friend has this information.
No boundary: you tell them what assignments are due and they ask you every other day what assignments are due.
Boundary: (Implicit) Don’t answer their question or (Explicit) Tell them they have that information in the syllabus.
Wouldn’t it be nice if people just knew how you wanted to be treated? If they just automatically knew all the things? Yes, it would; however, I bet someone has set a boundary with you before! We need them. They are important to keep relationships healthy and functioning. And remember: someone else’s temporary emotion is worth long-term relationship preservation.
Robin Helget,
Millennial Therapist, LSCSW, CPT
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