Why Saying "No" Is Imperative to Relationships

We’ve all been there: stretched thin with all the activities we have agreed to do, the friendship that we continue to maintain even though they are constantly a negative voice in our ear.  Sometimes it's simply the way we allow someone to speak to us in a public setting.  We have all allowed our boundaries to be crossed and felt horrible after it happened.  Many of us struggle to understand the importance of boundary setting and feel guilt or shame for saying “no” to the people we love.  I am here to let you know that boundary setting and saying “no” can be one of the best ways that you can love yourself and allow others to authentically love you.  

Starting out, the practice of saying no can be a difficult one, simply because one may not have awareness of where their boundaries lie.  Think back the last time you were stressed, frustrated, angry, or exhausted.  Its very likely that you crossed your own personal boundaries (or someone else crossed into them) causing you to have those feelings.  Its possible you didn't even know that this was occurring, but looking back you will likely be able to see the point at which you (or someone else) took things past your comfort level. Now think of the rules you could put up for yourself to avoid feeling those feelings in the future; these rules that you could set for yourself and others are called boundaries.  Teaching others where your boundaries are allows them to love you in a more authentic fashion.

For me, Sundays are MY day.  It's the one day of the week where I get everything done that I need to: laundry, grocery shopping, reading, watching 60 minutes.  It's the one day that my friends all know I will likely not hang out.  It's the one day my spouse knows that my routine is highly important and will take precedence over most everything else.  Previously, friends may have invited me to brunch or my husband may have asked me to help him getting things done on the lawn, but after years of simply saying “no” on Sundays, most people have caught on that I am likely not going to be available for many things outside of me.  This is neither selfish nor rude, but a way that I honor my own boundaries.  I know that if I set myself up for success on Sundays, I am much more likely to be a good mom, a good friend, a good therapist and a good wife throughout the week.

Below are four steps you can take to begin establishing small boundaries in your life:

1. Set up a physical boundary:  A physical boundary is a way in which you want to be physically interacted with.  Here are a few ways you could begin practicing healthy physical boundaries:

   1. Inform your children that at the end of the day, any toys that have been left out will be thrown away.  (Actually throw them away if they aren’t picked up)

   2. Ask your significant other to give you a kiss before he/she leaves for work everyday.

   3. Request that your sister return the sweater she borrowed from you last month and that she only borrow things for 1 week in the future.

2. Set up a time boundary: A time boundary is a way in which you manage your time in order to reduce stress.  Here are a few ways you could begin practicing healthy time boundaries:

   1. Tell your co-workers that you prefer they not knock on your door between 10-11am so you can get work done.

   2. Let your friends know you will be able to attend the Happy Hour for an hour and then have to leave to finish reading the book you are interested in.

   3. Ask your extended family to come over between 2 and 4, but to leave by 4 since the baby has to go to sleep.

3. Set up an emotional boundary: An emotional boundary is a way to begin accepting and normalizing your emotions

   1. Stop apologizing for the way you feel about things.

   2. Use an “I feel” statement in order to let someone know how you are feeling.  “I feel _(feeling)_, when you _(action)_, because _(why?)_, I need _(action)_

   3. Throughout the day, identify your feelings and spend 5 minutes simply sitting with that feeling.

4. Set up a values boundary: Creating a values boundary ensures that you are living in accordance with your moral compass.  It's important to know your values prior to establishing values boundaries.

   1. Honesty-  Share with a loved one something that you have been withholding from them that you have wanted them to know

   2. Giving back- Plan a week where you don’t go out to eat and donate the money to an organization you are passionate about

   3. Self care-  Say "no" to an obligation that is going to stretch you to your limits or is taking away from time to do other things that are important to you.
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Amber Reed, LSCSW, LCAC
amber@kcresolve.com
913-735-0577

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