Codependency: Sacrificing Yourself for Others
I love him.
Isn’t that enough? That’s what you do for the people you love. You sacrifice your wants, needs, desires. Yeah he makes all the decisions of the household, but I want him to. He can gladly have that responsibility. I don’t know if I would even know what the right decision would be anyway. That’s one thing about him, he gets it right, so why would I take forever and decide something when he seems to just know what the right decision is?
His drinking? Oh, he’s gotten so much better. Definitely under control. I mean, yeah, he sometimes has one too many and says things that are hurtful but doesn’t everyone when they’re drinking?
Leave him? No, I couldn’t. I guess I’ve thought about it a couple times in the past, but he has so much going on right now that I can’t abandon him during his biggest time of need. He has no money and nowhere to go, no family that will help. I’m all he has left. His drinking would just get way worse if I left.
Do we argue? Sure, I mean, doesn’t everyone? I just try to keep quiet so that it doesn’t lead to an argument. He has a lot on his plate, and I don’t think it does any good to stress him out even more.
Codependency
Codependency is a phrase used to describe the exact circumstances that you just read. The phrase was coined when discussing the pattern in relationships with an addict or alcoholic; however, codependency can be referred to any other sort of relationship where you lose or sacrifice your own thoughts, opinions, or emotions to appease the other person in that relationship.
“He has so much going on right now that I can’t abandon him.”
In the example above, the wife is codependent on the husband who is dependent on the alcohol. The wife wholeheartedly believes that she can’t leave her husband because he wouldn’t survive without her. So, she may engage in some enabling behaviors, such as letting him stay, telling him it’s ok if he has just one, not encouraging substance abuse treatment, or buying alcohol for him. She makes it ok in her mind by telling herself the above thought because she is dependent on the fact that he needs her.
When the wife enables him, he isn't forced to face the reality of his drinking habits.. If the wife doesn’t enable him, he may leave her, find someone that will let him continue these behaviors and choose to keep drinking. Likely, she cannot bear the fact that he would leave her, so she engages in the enabling behaviors to get him to stay, thinking she can just love him to sobriety.
While not all cases are this severe, codependency traits are more common than many may think.
Don't continue watering a dead flower.
Am I Codependent?
Below are some traits that people who are codependent have. They have been adapted and changed from the Mental Health America Codependency Questionnaire.
Keeping quiet to avoid arguments
Worried about others’ opinion of you
Feeling like others’ opinions are more important than your own
Having difficulty adjusting to changes at home or work
Feeling rejected when significant others spend time with friends
Doubting who you are or want to be
Uncomfortable expressing your feelings to others
Feelings of inadequacy
Feeling like a “bad person” when you make a mistake
Difficulty accepting compliments
Confusion about who you are or where your life is going
Difficulty saying “no” when asked for help
Having difficulty asking for help yourself
While reading these traits, if you thought “I do that” or “That’s me” for many of these traits, you may benefit from seeking a professional to work on improving your self-esteem, identifying messages you received from childhood, and developing boundaries within your relationships.
Treatment of Co-Dependency
Seek a professional. Once you recognize a problem behavior that you’d like to change, seeking a professional is the first step to developing a more healthy thought process, improving self-esteem, and gaining control back in your life.
Be open to talk about your childhood. The way we behave serves a function. Often times our behaviors served a purpose and worked when we were younger; however, as we get older and change, our previous coping behaviors need to change with us and often don’t. You may find yourself shutting down in conflict because you knew as a child you couldn’t speak your mind for safety purposes. You may stay in unhealthy relationships because you feel like you don’t deserve anything better. You may take on the “parent” role in relationships because you had to be that as a child. Therapy can help work through these messages and memories so that you can apply and learn new coping skills to help you as you are today.
Take time for self-care. You may spend most of your time and energy taking care of everyone else in your life but yourself. I get it. I do that too sometimes. However, we can’t pour from an empty bucket. We have to do things and be around people who are going to fill our bucket up so that we can help others as needed.
Practice self-compassion. Give yourself an emotional break. We need to learn how to let the negative thoughts in our head go and to try not to take them as truth. We have to remember that we are enough, exactly the way we are. Take a moment out of your day to remind yourself this. Better yet, take many times out of your day to do this.
Learn new messages. Sometimes we have to reprogram our brains. If we learned early on that we had to be perfect, for example, then making mistakes may lead to negative messages like “I have to be perfect in order to be liked”, or “If I make a mistake, that means I’m unworthy”. Working with a professional through these messages will help rewire the brain to develop more positive, balanced messages of the self.
MORE BY ROBIN
