Avoiding Turning Against Each Other When You’ve Both Had a Rough Day
You had a horrendously stressful day at work, traffic was a nightmare on the way home, and your childcare for Friday just fell through. You walk in the door and the kitchen is a mess, you’re tired, and you just don’t feel like doing anything except curling into bed.
Your partner didn’t get the promotion, had a hurtful argument with their sibling, and got into a fender bender on the way home. They walk in the door just wanting a hug.
What do you think happens next?
This is a common scenario where both partners are hurting and wanting the other person’s comfort, yet both feel depleted and as though their problems are more important. This typically results in tension, conflict, and disconnection. Let’s be honest – lids are flipped and we might say things we don’t actually mean and argue beyond the point of return.
So how can we turn towards one another rather than away in these circumstances?
Start by letting each other know how you’re feeling. This can be as simple as stating, “I had a really horrible day.”
Pause and connect physically. A hug, kiss, or embrace can literally and symbolically unite the two of you. Plus, oxytocin is released when we touch, and this can help reduce anxiety and increase empathy and trust.
Take 5-10 minutes filling each other in on what happened.
Listen! Resist the urge to fix or interrupt.
Use a “we’re in the together” mentality rather than a “it’s my problems against their problems” mentality.
Ask for what you need. If it’s something alone or something together, let your partner know.
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