What Traveling Tells Us About Each Other - Part III
After traveling almost 3 weeks abroad with my significant other, I am reflecting on our experience and how traveling can teach us so many things about how we interact with one another. It’s like a pressure cooker for a relationship! I’ll be sharing my thoughts and lessons learned (and re-learned) through a mini-series of blogs that are applicable to all couples, whether traveling or at home.
Week 3 - Repair Attempts
So you’ve just had an argument with your significant other. Things feel tense and neither one of you knows what to do or say from here. Maybe it’s over something small or maybe it’s a recurring conflict in the relationship. Nonetheless, you don’t want things to get any worse.
What is a repair attempt?
According to the Gottman Institute, “A repair attempt is any statement or action — verbal, physical, or otherwise — meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control.” This could look like asking to take a break during conflict, reaching out to hold your partner’s hand, or accepting responsibility for your part of the conflict. Repair attempts can occur at any time, either during or after conflict.
Why are repair attempts important?
While this might feel obvious, repair attempts are important to reconnect and literally repair any wounds from the conflict. Assuming that things will blow over or just get better with time minimizes the conflict and increases the chance of resentment, internalization, and further conflict.
How do I initiate a repair attempt?
Customize your repair attempt to how your significant other receives love. For example, if I am heated and flooded in an argument and my partner hugs me as a repair attempt, I may feel uncomfortable and as though it’s forced since physical touch isn’t my love language. However, if my partner asks if I’d like a glass of water, I would be much more apt to accept the repair attempt since acts of service is my love language. If you want to learn more about the Five Love Languages, check out www.5lovelanguages.com.
How do I accept a repair attempt?
When we are upset with our partners, it can often be difficult to accept their repair attempt out of defensiveness and pride. You can acknowledge and accept your partner’s repair attempt without being ready to resolve the conflict. The important part is to turn towards your significant other’s bid for connection (read more about turning towards by clicking here).
Elise Grigg, LPC
Elise@kcresolve.com
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