Improving Communication: Part One
“We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for changes that I know.”
Our world moves fast. We are constantly flooded with messages and stimuli that our brain filters to determine what we actually need to pay attention to and put energy into. While this can make us fantastic multitaskers, it unfortunately can create issues when we’re trying to communicate with our partners.
Healthy communication involves two parts – the speaker and the listener – and there are skills that both partners can implement to significantly improve their connection, understanding, and overall communication. This month, let’s take a look at the listening side of things.
What is active listening?
Active listening is listening to what your partner is saying and how they feel without injecting your personal opinions, defenses, or preferences. It requires practice and discipline, similar to any other skill. For example, let’s use meditation. The first time you meditate, your mind will likely wander and focus on every little thing but meditating. It takes time and practice to be able to focus on the present moment without your mind drifting. Active listening is similar in the sense that it can be learned, it requires mindfulness, and it is intentional.
How will your partner feel when you’re actively listening?
Connected. Frequently I hear one partner in a relationship say, “I don’t want them to fix it. I just want them to hear me.” Active listening allows your partner to feel 100% connected to you because you are providing your full, nonjudgmental attention. You are there solely to hear them.
Valued. Feeling heard is an immensely powerful experience. I would argue that it’s one of our core human desires. Reflect on a time where you felt someone truly listened to you. Chances are that you felt important, worthy, and valued. Why not provide your partner with that experience?
Understood. Partners that struggle with active listening often feel that by acknowledging their partner’s experience, they are implicitly agreeing with it or condoning certain behaviors. This is not true. Active listening allows you to communicate that you understand your partner’s experience, not that you necessarily agree with it.
Equal. Active listening creates an even environment where both partners are equally valued and respected. Ideally, partners aren’t against each other but rather against the conflict. (Check out my article “How to Resolve Conflict Healthily” for more info.)
5 Steps to Become an Active Listener
Repeat what you heard. This may feel really awkward at first, but the key to active listening is reflecting what you heard your partner say. It’s as simple as, “I hear you say… What I’m hearing is…It sounds like…” This shows your partner that you are engaged, and it provides your partner the opportunity to explain themselves in a different way if their message isn’t being received the way they intended.
Be curious, not critical. When hearing a request or desire from our partners, it can be easy to make assumptions, become defensive, and tune out what your partner is trying to communicate. If you catch yourself in any of these situations, ask a clarifying question. Try and gather as much information as possible to best understand your partner.
Listen for your partner, not for yourself. In conversation, particularly conflict, we often just wait for our turn to talk or are thinking about what we’re going to say next to “win” the argument. This is selfish and can be damaging in relationships. Active listening requires us to listen for our partners and fight the urge to listen for ourselves.
Don’t interrupt. Thanks to our hectic, busy lives, interrupting has almost become second nature. Interrupting your partner can completely alter the direction of the conversation and heighten tensions. Active listening requires you to focus on what your partner is expressing without interjecting yourself into their communication.
Make eye contact. Nonverbal cues are possibly even more important than verbal cues. Eye contact is the cherry on top of the active listening sundae. It confirms that you are engaged, and it communicates to your partner that you value and respect what they are saying.
Check in next month for Improving Communication: Part Two and learn about assertiveness!
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