Improving Communication: Part Two
Healthy communication involves two parts – the speaker and the listener – and there are skills that both partners can implement to significantly improve their connection, understanding, and overall communication. This month, let’s take a look at the speaking side of things.
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness typically has a negative connotation, associated with being harsh, pushy, self-centered, and forceful. Do us both a favor and try to wipe that from your memory. Replace it with this definition instead: being able to express your feelings, wants, and needs in the relationship. Assertiveness is being able to tell your partner how something impacted you or what changes you would like to make in the relationship, and it is communicating these things frequently. Assertiveness lies between passive and aggressive communication by speaking up for yourself while taking your partner’s experience into account.
What are the benefits of being an assertive communicator?
Unlike active listening, the benefits of assertiveness require both partners to fulfill their duties in the conversation. However, let’s assume you and your partner are rockstars at communicating. By being assertive, your partner knows exactly how you’re feeling or what you’d like in the relationship. This removes the need to be mind readers or argue tirelessly over non-communicated expectations. The overall level of intimacy in the relationship significantly increases when one partner can communicate a feeling or need and the other partner can value it and act accordingly. It can also be very empowering to state how we feel or what we’d like.
5 Steps to Become an Assertive Communicator
Use “I” statements. Instead of beginning statements with “you”, begin with “I”. This allows you to take responsibility for your message, while also hopefully lowering your partner’s defenses rather than them feeling blamed or attacked. “I’m feeling a bit disconnected so I would like to plan a date night where we can truly focus on one another” or “I would like to try and argue less because I really don’t like the tension between us and how we can’t enjoy one another” are great examples.
Explain why it’s important to you. After stating the desired change in the relationship or how you feel about something, explain why the change or feeling is important to you. This can help lower your partner’s defenses and provide a greater opportunity for understanding and empathy.
Be polite and respectful. Hearing your partner express their feelings or ask for what they want in your relationship can often be difficult and challenging. So be nice! Take your partner’s feelings into consideration and use a respectful, loving, and constructive tone.
Value yourself. Individuals can be scared or nervous to bring their feelings and their desires to their partner, often fearing a negative reaction and having their vulnerability ignored and unappreciated. Healthy relationships are full of assertive communication, where both partners are able to honestly express their experiences and needs. If you don’t communicate what you need, your partner doesn’t have the opportunity to fulfill it! It is their responsibility to then actively listening to promote a healthy conversation.
Plan time to be assertive. This may feel clunky and awkward but can be an awesome tool for your relationship (and your nerves if this is out of your norm!). Rather than springing a more serious request onto your partner, tell them you have something important that you would like to discuss at a later date. This can even be your practice run for assertive communication (I would like to schedule time later this week to talk because it’s important to me to have a distraction-free conversation where we both feel connected and present)! By planning time to have a more difficult conversation, both partners can enter the conversation in the right mindset and have similar expectations.
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